You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
