I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
