my soul wont recognize me after tonight
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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