I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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