You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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