I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize