I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
