So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
