I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
