does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
