Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
