He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
