so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
