from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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