I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
