The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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