That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
