there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
