Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
