How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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