Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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