I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
