Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
