dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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