I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
