Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
