It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I could fuck to npr.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
