He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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