so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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