Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
