I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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