Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
