im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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