Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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