I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
