A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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