Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
