I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize