I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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