Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
