how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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