DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
