my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is wine microwaveable?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
