got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
