I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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