oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize