I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She's the barista slut.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
