i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
