I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
