she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
We need to rekindle our bromance
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
