Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize