just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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