weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
