Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
